Now that I am nearly 31 weeks pregnant, the question of the day has become, "Are you ready?" And I really hate that question. Is anyone ever ready? And with your third child, is it possible to be ready?! What does that even mean?
Emotionally, I am not ready. I am eager to meet this little boy and kiss his head and snuggle him, but if I am super honest, I am terrified to reenter the baby stage. Cora is in Mother's Day Out two days a week, and I really enjoy having productivity back in my life. Knowing that I am heading back to round-the-clock nursing, dependency, and never having a moment to myself scares me to death.
Physically, I am not ready either. We don't have a car that will fit our whole family, and we aren't sure how exactly we will pay for one. We are hoping for a tax refund with all of our medical expenses and education expenses last year, but Jim still has so much to do to put our finances in order.
Also, the nursery hasn't even really been started. I have ordered bedding, and the last part will come in this week, but I can't even get to the crib because it is shoved into the middle of the room (so Jim can eventually paint the walls). I haven't started decorations, don't have a plan for curtains... These things are so unlike me, but I can't do things we can't pay for.
I'm starting to feel anxiety well up within me. It isn't that I am worried things won't get done. I know they will. I'm also not worried that things won't be okay. I know they will. What's bothering me is that so many things that need to be done right now are out of my hands. I don't know how to do the taxes, I can't paint the walls, and I can't study for Jim's classes for him. Lots of responsibility falls on Jim, and I just hate that. He is a full-time computer guy, full-time dad, full-time husband, part-time seminary student, part-time teacher, church elder, etc., and I want to take some of the burden off of him. I may be doing the hard work of growing his baby, but I want to also help lighten his load, and I can't.
I have a constant list going of all of the things that need to be done in the next eight weeks, and I am doing anything and everything I can to get those things checked off. I have already made Brennan's birthday invitations and favors for his party at the end of March. For a few weeks I have had everything ironed, organized, and tagged for the consignment sale I'm doing early next month. Today I unearthed Easter baskets so I can start thinking about preparing for Easter (which I half expect to spend in the hospital). Why am I being a nut? I guess it's all my version of nesting. I can't do the things I want to do, so I'm trying to do the things I can do.
This morning I had some back pain for the first time, and my sleep is becoming more and more disrupted, so I know that the misery is just around the corner. I'm fully aware that in several weeks I will be extremely ready to get this baby out of my body. That's another reason I feel anxious to hurry things along. I know that my days of feeling decent and being able to do things are coming to an end soon.
Anyway, if you see me, please do not ask me if I am ready for this baby. Will I love him to the moon and back? Absolutely. Am I anxious to meet and hold him? For sure. But am I ready for his arrival? Not on your life. Hopefully my tune will change in the next six to eight weeks.